"I'm Sorry, I Didn't Know or I Wouldn't Have Asked"

Here we are another week has come and gone and we came across another bump. Dad hasn't been feeling well so he decided to go to the doctor 3 weeks before his scheduled appointment to see what was going on. Doctors told dad that he is once again back in heart failure due to fluid around his heart. Mom also asked the doctors about dad's coloring and they said that he looked like a grayish color because he is in heart failure. Dad's color scares me sometimes. He doesn't have the normal coloring like you and me. Dad just has the coloring of a sick man, sadly, my dad looks like a man suffering. I look forward to the days where I can look at my dad and he is back to his old color and appearance. I miss that, I miss my dad.

So once again here we are keeping a very close eye on dad. Mom needs to keep a log of his weight and how much fluid he loses daily due to water pills. We hope that dad will lose the fluid and be able to regain his breath and energy again, but the two seem to be in battle against each other. What I mean is, the daily taking of water pills is helping dad lose the fluid, so that is good, but losing all these fluids and weight each day is causing dad to become more and more weak. So as you can see the two are fighting against each other and causing both positives and negatives that we must deal with.

Through all of this we know that dad's heart is weakening from fighting this constant battle. Although we are unsure of what is to come with dad's heart cath this month, we can anticipate the results showing dad's heart muscles weaker, which means a change in medicine and status on the list. Are we scared, yes. Are we nervous, yes. More importantly, we are ready for the next step, taking dad's closer to a new heart.

So the title, well that comes from something I came across today. So once again someone asked me about dad and I responded with, "Um, well, okay I guess. We found out this week he is back in heart failure." The person who asked me responded with, " I'm sorry, I didn't know or I wouldn't have asked." It took me a second to process the response and I looked at him and said, "Please, it is okay, this is our life and this is nothing new, please don't be sorry, we aren't."

That statement says it all, there is nothing to be sorry about ever, because we aren't. 

Cell Phone!

When I was 15 I wanted and needed a cell phone so bad. The only reason I wanted to have this phone was to be cool like my friends. Not realizing then how important this will soon become. There is not a minute that goes by where I don't look at my phone. I have been on my way to work or school and realized that I had forgotten it at home, and turned around to get it. I'm sad to say that when someone asked me what are 6 things you can't live with out. All I sad was two things: my family and my cell phone. With being so far from my family,  a cell phone is the only real way to talk. It's so easy now with text messaging. I can be in class or work and my parents or sister can text me something important, or even just a simple, love you. I know some people look at me like I'm crazy when I say I can't go a day with out it, but I need to be able to talk to my family at any given time. I can't wait to get that phone call, and be on the first plane home and it will be the best phone call I have ever received. Dad will be getting his heart. 

Smiles All Around

I was sitting here just thinking and thinking. What was I going to write about today? How amazing my dad is, how much I love him and my mom, how important my family is to me and without them I would crumble, my fears for what is to come or how my scary memories sometimes take over every thought and scare me to death.

Then I decided...no, I don't want to get into all of that.

I want to show my amazing family and how happy we all look together. How we all look like there is nothing to fear and we have a dad who has the heart of an all star athlete. Why live in fear when there is so much we could be be concentrating on, like the love of family and the dad we have been blessed with, sad heart or not.

All of us kids
(Side note- look at Jamesy's eyes! He makes the funniest faces!)

We are lucky girls to have such an amazing dad

All of dad's ladies, minus Gabby!

See what I mean, nothing but smiles all around!

Second by Second

Ever since dad has been sick, which has been pretty much my entire life, I always get asked the same question. "Hey Sandi, how is your dad doing?" or " Sandi, how is dad feeling, any better?" In my 26 years of life I have never been asked a question that was any harder than that one. Usually I am able to give some sort of answer, but now, it is so hard. I am asked that question a few times a week, sometimes every day, and I actually pause, look around and say,  " He is doing okay, I guess, the best he can." I am not even sure if that fully answers the question, but I don't know any other way to respond. I usually look at Chris for some sort of reassurance when I go to answer. He just looks at me and smiles because he knows what I am thinking, how in the world do we actually answer that without fully expressing every emotion dad is feeling at this very moment.

I mean come on people, ask yourself this, how would you feel knowing that at any moment you could receive a phone call with the news that will change your life forever? My dad and my family live each day for every second we are given. Seriously. We live second to second, not minute to minute or hour to hour. It is by the seconds because a second can make a big difference.

I know people care and they honestly are concerned for dad, but it is so hard for me to fully answer this question without a little hesitation. I can answer that dad is doing okay, but I know deep down inside, he really isn't. Ok, so dad seems to be steady for the most part health wise, but inside he is struggling with the unknown. The hard part is that I can answer he is doing okay today, but tomorrow the whole world can change. Dad is not like you or I, his body is so fragile, so quick to breakdown. Along with not knowing when the phone will ring with the call, we have no idea how long dad will last at this status. We have no idea when dad will get sick again and end up back in the hospital.

Dad had a sinus infection last week and it took a toll on his body. It is so hard to watch. I saw my dad doing some things he did when he was in the hospital a few months ago. Taking breaks walking up three steps, not completing a sentence because he needs to catch his breath, coughing to the point of no words and just the look in his face, it is different. It breaks my heart when I have to just wait for him to catch his breath or get through his coughing fit to finish his sentence. The worst is when he asks me, "Sandi, what do you think? Do you think it is just from my sinus infection or do you think it is my heart?" Well, I have to be honest, this is the HARDEST question my father has ever asked me because I have to be honest with him. I am scared, I fear for the worst always because I know nothing else. Like I told dad, " We know what is going to happen, there are no surprises anymore. You are going to get a new heart, so if your heart is getting weaker it is actually okay this time, we are ready."

So this is just a little taste of why it is so hard to answer the impossible question, "Hey Sandi, how is your dad doing?" or " Sandi, how is dad feeling, any better?" I guess I just want to scream every time because I know my dad is struggling and is scared and there is nothing I can do about it. All I can do is wait a second, look around and answer with, "He is doing okay." When really I want to answer, "He is doing great because I took away his pain and he is no longer suffering." My dad has always been my hero and has been there for me every step of the way, I just wish I could do the same for him, but this is so much bigger than me and it breaks my heart.

Longwood Gardens 2010
All Together and Never Happier

Thankful Thursdays

There is one thing in this world I am forever thankful for...

My amazing, adorable, extremely funny, always crazy, dedicated and forever loving family 

Christmas 2010- "Waiting for Dad's New Beat Together"

When we are together we can overcome anything

Mad Man on a Mission...Watch Out!

Whew, it has been quite some time since any one of us has made an entry on the blog. That can only be blamed on the fact that we have just been enjoying each other. It was the holidays and the family was in from Missouri, and it was so amazing to be all back together. I know that having everyone together and spending time with family meant the world to me, but I can only imagine what dad was thinking. Since being placed on the transplant list traveling has seized. Dad is really missing my, sister, brother, sister in law and my beautiful, amazing, stinking adorable and extremely funny niece and nephew, who live in St. Louis, Missouri. Before mom and dad would travel there a couple times a year and we would all go out there for Christmas, but this year was different. They all came in for Christmas and it was truly amazing, but crazy at times having all 9 of us and 2 dogs under one roof!

We did a lot of fun activities besides staying home in our pajamas all day. Dad did an amazing job finding fun things for us to do and see during the holiday season. One fun thing we did was go to Candy Lane at Hershey Park. Although it was a little chilly it was a lot of fun for all of us. Dad took a big step at Hershey Park, one all of us agreed with. Dad knew the walking through the park and in this extreme cold weather would be difficult. Dad decided for the first time ever to get a motorized cart to get him through the park. At first he was a little nervous and embarrassed about it, but he knew it was the right choice for him. Dad hasn't driven a car for a few years now so it was so funny to see him maneuvering this cart around the park.

When he first sat in the chair and hit the gas he was gone, and I mean he was flying! It was so funny and we all definitely enjoyed a good laugh about this. Dad quickly let his embarrassment go and he enjoyed his new ride. We all quickly figured out that we needed to stay out of dad's way because he would take our heels off. 

He was a mad man on a mission and there was no stopping him!

Ok, so like I said the weather was chilly and we needed to all bundle up but especially dad and the kids. So not only was dad cruising around the park like a mad man he decided to wrap a blanket around his face. Oh, and let me mention it was a New York Mets blanket, which was not taken well by many park goers that evening. We all enjoyed watching dad cruise around on his new ride, but when he tied that blanket around his face we all about lost it. Besides looking a little creepy, it was a funny site to see.

We had a great night and enjoyed being out as a family. Although it was a little hard to see dad on a motorized cart because he can no longer walk those long distances, we were proud that he put aside his embarrassment and did what was best for him.


I am sad that the holidays are over and the family returned to Missouri. It is always bittersweet because I know in my heart that they belong here, this is there home, not Missouri. The goodbye was hard for all of us, but it was especially hard for dad. He can't help but think, "Will the next time I see them be when I am getting my heart?" They are planning on coming back out this summer, but we never know what each day may bring. For all we know they may be here sooner and dad may be getting his ticket to a new and healthy life.

I will let these pictures speak for themselves...

My Amazing and Beautiful Parents

The Two Amazing Men in My Life- My Dad and My Husband

"Say Cheese" Jamesy wasn't too sure about this!

Mad Man on a Mission