There have been many times when I have been on the outside looking in on someone else's trials and bumps in the road and I always say, "I can't imagine what they are feeling or "That is so sad." But there have been way more times that I am on the inside looking out. Looking at all the people around us, I can't help but wonder what they are thinking about us, do they know how much we truly hurt on the inside and how we hide behind these smiles we place on our faces?
What do they think of us when we flock together like a bunch of seagulls because time with family for us is way more precious than times out with friends?
What do they think of us when are eyes are so swollen from crying we can barely see?
What do they think of us when we wear the same clothes for 48 hours because standing by our dad's hospital bed is way more important than showering or changing clothes?
What do they think of us when we all take over dad's hopsital room with food and computers so we can all watch Sunday football together?
What do they think of us when we cringe at the mere sight or sound of an ambulance?
What do they think of us when we say our heroes are our parents and we strive to live like them everyday? I strive to have half the strength my mom does and half the courage my dad does.
What do they think of us when we turn down job opportunities because seeing dad through all of this is way more important than any pay check?
What do they think of us when they see how attached to our cell phones we are because we always fear for the worst?
What do they think of us that we are all grown but call our parents when we wake up, throughout the day and before our heads hit the pillow again?
What do they think of us when we try to rush and get everything in because we don't know how long we have?
What do they think of us when we fear being hours away because, what if something were to happen?
What do they think of us when we don't need words to understand the fear and pain?
What do they think of us when we come together and the strength and love of our family shines through?
What do they think of us when NOTHING in this world is more important than our dad and his health?
What do they think of us when we all sit in the waiting room with blank stares on our faces and our legs shaking rapid?
What do they think of us when they hear that our dad is so sick and needs a heart to survive?
Throughout all of those and all the things I wrote, none of them matter because we know what we think and we know how we feel. Outsiders may look at us in a way because they will never understand the pain and suffering we have all endured as a family. From the inside looking out, this is our life, this is the challenge that has been put in our lives and we wouldn't want it any other way.
There is no other place in this world I would rather be than on the inside looking out with my family, going through this together.
This is another post I could have written myself about my family. Our struggles are different but so the same. I often wonder what it would be like to have two healthy parents and not have to worry about hospitals, disease, struggle, surgeries, and death. What is it like for them to not have to endure these types of things and explain to their children why I have to take grandma to the hospital all the time. This is our normal. Our everday. I look forward most to the day after my mom has had her transplant and can do all the things she's been wanting to do like pick up her granddaughter and carry her, walk into a store without being out of breath, carrying her laundry up the stairs, and walking across the Mackinaw Bridge. You should see our family in hospitals we are so loud! We also made shirts for when my mom gets "the call." They are "Go Time" shirts with a pair of lungs on them. How nuts will we look??? That is how we deal. With laughter, jokes, and silliness. Because if we didn't you know how depressing it would be.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Marie, I know exactly what you are saying. It is so hard all the time. When our parents receive their transplants we will finally be able to understand what it is like to have two healhy parents, a sight I never thought I would witness. I can't wait for my dad to have a new heart to be able to do all that he never could. Oh shirts, how fun! What a good idea!
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